Grey
by thatonegirl905
Summary: With that flash of color, Bucky turns and leaves. He leaves Steve behind, and with him, the colors that he brings. And he sets off in his world of grey to find his own colors, to find himself, to be complete once again. That's all he ever wanted.


He sees the world in grey.

Not black, not brown, not in color, but grey.

Dull, lifeless grey.

The color in which he is clothed, in which he has lived his life.

Bucky's world is grey.

Once, he saw color. But that was then, and this is now.

When he's in cryo, drifting, not fully awake but not fully asleep, he sees flashes of color. Flashes of broken memories, happiness that he can't quite grasp.

His life is a blur, out of cryo. A grey blur as he kills countless people, as he completes several missions, as he obeys his orders because if he doesn't, he faces punishment.

He doesn't want to be punished. Not again.

Then one day, while he is in cryo, a name pops into his mind. _Steve._ With it comes a burst of color, a face, blond hair and blue eyes and a laugh that could make him feel like everything is better.

Then it's gone, leaving just as quickly as it came, and he's awakened for another mission.

The first time he mentions the colors to a Hydra agent, he's strapped into the metal chair faster than you could take a breath and is electrocuted until he's numb from the excruciating pain and he has no voice left because his screams have worn it out.

He cherishes the numbness, for it is a welcome reprieve from the feeling of loss, of incompleteness, of something missing. Yet at the same time he hates it, wishes for those feelings once again because they convince him that he is real, that he is alive, that he is human and not the monster he sees himself as.

He finally decides not to mention the colors to anyone again, to keep them to himself.

So as he completes mission after mission, kills person after person, he holds on to the colors. Pulls them close, hugs them to his chest, tries not to let them slip away even as he feels himself slipping away. Becoming the monster Hydra has transformed him into.

Then one day when he is pulled out of cryo, there is nothing.

No colors, no feelings of loss and incompleteness and something missing.

Just grey.

Numb, cold grey.

And he's killing people left and right, and completing mission after mission, and blood is on his hands, on his clothes, everywhere, and he feels nothing.

Nothing, at all, for countless years.

Then the colors return.

It begins when he's given a new mission: kill Captain America.

When he first sees his target's face, it nudges something in the back of his mind. Shaking it off, he ignores it. This is his mission.

As he catches the round vibranium shield and hurls it back at its owner, he thinks he sees a flash of color. Shaken up, he takes a step backwards, then turns and makes his escape.

He's severely scolded for backing down when he returns to Hydra, so he vows that next time, he won't back down.

Next time, he backs down yet again.

He easily shakes the red haired woman's attack off, and has her cornered beside a car. Standing on the roof of a car, he raises the gun and is about to shoot when there's the sound of running footsteps behind him.

Whirling, he's just in time to see Captain America, dressed in civilian clothes instead of his usual Avenger attire, slinging his round shield toward him. Slamming his fist into the shield, he rips it out of one of the Captain's hands and kicks the man backwards. The Captain rolls onto his knees and crouches behind his shield as Bucky fires the gun at him several times.

Bucky slides off the top of the car, pulling out a smaller gun and firing it at the Captain as he jumps to his feet and races behind a car. The Captain vaults over the top of said car and lands a few feet away from Bucky, swinging his leg up and kicking the smaller gun out of Bucky's hands. Bucky pulls out an even smaller gun, this one about the size of a revolver, and fires it at the Captain, who blocks the shots with his shield then swings a punch at Bucky and misses.

Bucky and the Captain each manage to land a few punches on each other, then Bucky grabs the Captain's shield and twists it around, using it to flip the Captain around and off his feet. Pulling it out of the Captain's grasp, Bucky holds the shield in front of himself as a defense against the Captain.

The Captain eyes Bucky, then pushes himself to his feet and runs toward Bucky. Bucky hurls the shield at him, and he ducks, the shield embedding itself in the van behind him. The Captain continues toward Bucky, and Bucky pulls out a knife. The two engage in hand-to-hand combat, Bucky slashing at the Captain with the knife and the Captain somehow managing to evade it.

The Captain lands a hard punch to Bucky's face, and Bucky staggers backwards, surprised. The Captain takes advantage of it and kicks Bucky in the stomach, sending him backward into a car, the knife falling from his grasp. Advancing on him, the Captain shoves him up against the car and brings his knee up into Bucky's stomach.

Bucky steps forward, lunging for the Captain, who steps back. He manages to punch the Captain, and the Captain grabs Bucky's arms, slinging him to the ground. Bucky quickly jumps back to his feet and grabs for the Captain, wrapping his hand around the blonde man's throat.

The Captain grimaces, trying to breathe, then goes flying backwards as Bucky shoves him away. He lands hard on the pavement and Bucky leaps after him, bringing his fist down toward the Captain but punching the pavement instead as the Captain rolls away. Both men jump to their feet and throw punches at each other, Bucky kicking the Captain against the van.

Bucky pulls out another knife and thrusts it at the Captain, who catches Bucky's arm and digs the knife into the van's side. They slide along the length of the van, the knife creating a long scratch in the side of it.

The Captain flips Bucky backwards and onto the ground, diving for his shield embedded in the back of the van. He grabs it and holds it in front of him as Bucky dives for him with the knife, blocking him. Bucky manages to punch the Captain in the face and the man staggers backwards, ramming the edge of his shield into Bucky's metal arm as he goes for another punch.

Bucky grimaces and the Captain takes advantage of it, slamming his shield into Bucky's face and sending him staggering backwards. Grabbing Bucky's face, he swings Bucky's through the air and slams him down onto the hard pavement.

Bucky's face mask falls off as he rolls to his feet , whirling to face the Captain.

The Captain sees his face and gapes at his, shock written all over the face. "Bucky?" he gasps.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" Bucky snarls, then his face softens slightly as colors wash over him. There is something familiar about the name, and he almost thinks that it seems right, feels right, somehow. Then the moment is lost as the Falcon suddenly comes flying out of nowhere and slams his feet into him.

Bucky jumps to his feet and hurls a grenade at a car behind the Captain, the explosion distracting the Captain and the Falcon from him.

When the two turn back to where Bucky stood, he is gone.

For about an hour after the battle on the bridge, he runs. His legs and arms a blur as he sprints, blindly, not seeing exactly where he's going.

Somehow, there is something hauntingly familiar about Captain America. The man on the bridge.

Then it all clicks.

The blonde hair. The blue eyes. The name Bucky, which feels so right, so familiar on his lips.

He knows the man on the bridge.

And the man on the bridge knows him.

This revelation shocks him, as he returns to Hydra headquarters. He broods over it while sitting in a chair, _the_ chair, and a scientist works on his metal arm where the Captain dug his shield into it.

 _"_ _Sergeant Barnes."_

The name echoes in his mind, Zola's voice eerily haunting, and he bolts forward, sitting upright.

 _"_ _Bucky! No!"_

He barely recognizes the Captain's voice, the anguish and desperation in it making it nearly unrecognizable. With the words, an image pops into his mind. Cold snow, towering mountain peaks, a train, the Captain's face, twisted with pain and helplessness, then the realization of falling. He's falling down, down, down, the Captain's face becoming smaller and smaller, until it disappears.

Then there was nothing.

The blackness changes into an image of Hydra scientists and doctors hovering over him, Zola's voice saying, "The procedure has already started." Then, excruciating pain. He can still hear Zola's voice, now saying, "You are to be the new fist of Hydra." Then, "Put him on ice".

Bucky panics and thrusts himself forward, swinging his fist into the face of the nearest Hydra agent. Immediately, every gun in the room is trained on him, and he tenses in the chair. He knows what's coming next.

The voice of a Hydra agent finds his ears as Alexander Pierce strides into the room. "Sir, he's unstable, erratic."

Pierce comes to a stop in front of Bucky. "Mission report."

Bucky is silent, not even registering that he has spoken. He's too busy fitting the puzzle pieces together, and realizing that his earlier conclusion that he knows the man on the bridge is correct.

"Mission report, now," Pierce repeats, and Bucky still doesn't respond. Pierce takes a step forward, bending over and peering into the Soldier's face, then, seeing the glazed look in his eyes, slaps him. Hard.

Bucky slowly turns his face toward Pierce, confusion written all over it. "The man on the bridge."

The Captain's face comes to mind, and the look on his face and tone of his voice as he said the name that is so familiar.

"Who was he?"

"You met him earlier this week on another assignment," Pierce answers.

"I knew him." Bucky' s voice is soft as he speaks the revelation aloud. And by the look on Pierce' s face, he knows he's right.

Pierce pulls a stool over and sits on it, looking at Bucky. "Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century. And I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning, we're going to give it a push. But, you don't do your part, I can't do mine. And Hydra can't give the world the freedom it deserves."

Bucky' s jaw moves up and down, and he swallows hard. "But I knew him."

Pierce sighs and stands, turning to a Hydra agent. "Prep him."

"But he's been out of cryo freeze too long," the agent protests.

"Then wipe him, and start over," Pierce says with cold, hard resolve.

Two men walk over to Bucky and push him down, against the back of the chair. Bucky lets them do it, still staring blankly into the distance. Catching glimpses of color.

He opens his mouth, and they shove the mouthpiece in. He bites down on it, tensing, preparing himself.

Then he's restrained, and his chest begins to heave as the panic sets in, and he can hear the buzz of electricity, and the electrodes are clamped to his head and his brain is being electrocuted and he's screaming and screaming and screaming as the memories and colors slowly vanish and he turns numb.

The next time he sees colors is when he's on the aircraft with the Captain, and the blonde haired blue eyed man is falling through the air, down, down, down, and an image fills Bucky' s mind and he remembers when he was falling down, down, down, and he dives after the Captain to save him.

After pulling the Captain to safety, he stares at the somehow familiar face for a moment.

 _Steve._

The name pops into his mind, and he silently mouths the name, rolling the syllables over his tongue. And the name seems so right, feels so right, that he just knows that it is right.

The Captain, no, _Steve,_ starts coughing, and his eyelids flutter slightly, revealing a bit of the blue eyes that are so familiar.

With that flash of color, Bucky turns and leaves. He knows that he is not safe to be around, that he cannot risk hurting Steve while the he is so unstable.

So he leaves.

He leaves Steve behind, and with him, the colors that he brings.

And he sets off in his world of grey to find the colors, to find himself, to be complete once again.

That's all he ever wanted.


End file.
